I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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