Your mouth is God's brothel.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
