Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
