hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
