when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Randomize
