goodnight i made you a song goodbye
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
