his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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