The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
