Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
