I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
