sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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