I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize