He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
