she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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