Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
