make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
