plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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