did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
