If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
