dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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