he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
