Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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