My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
