i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I would ride that face into the sunset
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
