i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
