You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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