saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
