Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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