New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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