I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
