There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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