When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
