I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
