i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
