u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
