So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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