this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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