Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
