i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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