Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Randomize