I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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