The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize