i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
