How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
