remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
