doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
