When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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