your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
