I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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