he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
