she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
