What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
