You can't motorboat a personality
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
