My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
