He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I currently don't understand fingers.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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