The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
