and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
