If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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