Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize