god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
