we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
