I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
